by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
What You Need to Know About Elder Care
One of the serious Life Events that many either do not want to talk about and prepare for or are not emotionally ready to talk about or prepare for, is taking care of Elderly Parents.
Many of us have witnessed, either within our circle friends or within our own family, an elderly person needing the care of their family members.
Why can this not go smoother?
What To Consider When Planning for Elder Care
There are so many reasons to be considered when Adult Children or Adult Grandchildren have to step in and care for an elderly family member:
1. What is the Health status of the elderly parent?
2. Can the parent make logical and coherent responses and decisions?
3. What is the status of the relationship between the parents and the adult children
4. If there is more than one adult child what is the relationship among the siblings?
5. Who will be the primary caregiver?
6. Who will be the primary decision-maker or will it be collective venture?
7. What does the financial picture look like?
8. Who will either help with or completely handle the parent’s financial status?
9. Who will be given Power of Attorney?
10. Can the parent afford Professional Caregivers to help family members with their care?
11. What is the family history and do they get along?
12. Will the elderly parent stay in their home, have to move in with a family member or go to an extended care facility or nursing home?
As you can see, the list of “Need to Know” inquiries can be very long and every question brings forth more questions and numerous variables. However, two primary things can help immensely with the process: Communication and Preplanning. These two thing are of the utmost of importance when parents are entering their golden years.
Additional Resources for Navigating Elder Care
In addition to this list of questions that need to be addressed, please take a look at the links below and allow those in the field of elder care to help you become aware of some of the things to look for.
Caring for Your Parent: An Action Plan for Adult Children, from AgingCare.com
Stephanie Erickson, a clinical social worker in the field of geriatrics, writes:
“When we were young children, we looked to our parents to tell us right from wrong, to make decisions for us and to protect us. As we became young adults, our relationships with our parents changed. We still turned to them often, but more for guidance and support. Never did we imagine or expect that one day we would be caring for Mom and/or Dad. Now we are the ones in the “worry seat.”
Read the full article: https://alzlive.com/tips/caregiving/when-did-i-become-the-parent-and-what-should-i-do/
This excerpt comes from an article by Francine Russo, author of They?re Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents? Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy
“Providing care for your parents can be complicated. When your brothers and sisters are also involved, caregiving can become even more complex. While your siblings can be enormously helpful and your best support, they can also be a source of stress.
In this fact sheet, you will learn how to identify the family dynamics that can impact caregiving, ways your siblings can help, how to increase your chances of getting that help, and how to deal with emotions that arise.”
Read the full article: https://www.caregiver.org/caregiving-with-your-siblings
What to Do When Siblings Can’t Agree on a Parent’s Care Needs by Carol Bradley Bursack
“For some lucky families, having all adult siblings gather around and plan how to take care of Mom and Dad as their parents’ health begins to fail is a great comfort. For other families, things can take a disastrous turn when siblings who never got along as kids and have had little to do with each other as adults are thrown together to make caregiving decisions.”
Read the full article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/sibling-disputes-about-elderly-parents-care-134376.htm
Hopefully, all these resources will help you open a conversation with your loved ones, whether you are the aging parent yourself or the adult child helping a parent navigate elder care.
Hugs,
Carolyn
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Is Loss Aversion Holding You Back?
Greetings, my Friends
Well, I am at it again. Decluttering, what little I do have, and pairing down to minimal belongings. Why? Because I have been in my new location 3 years and if I have not used what I still have packed in a few containers in my closet and, they are not holiday or season directed, then I am pretty sure they can go.
For me, it is important that at my stage in life, when that day comes that I am called to my next assignment in the great beyond, that my kids do not have a crapload of stuff to go through and get rid of.
I out and out asked my adult children and my Grands to do us all a favor and tell me what they wanted me to hang onto and what they did not have an interest in. We, together, have already decided and labeled what they would actually want and, trust me, it is not much. It has become far more important to experience life and have fun together than spend time caring for, organizing, and reorganizing stuff and things. We have spent the last 5 years having interesting and fun experiences and making wonderful memories.
Fortunately, my son and his family are natural minimalists which makes it much easier to not only get rid of anything not being used in the present but to also not buy more “stuff.”
It is amazing how simple we can live, how much more time we have to play, and how peaceful it is to not have so much to clean/dust and constantly arrange or rearrange in our garage, house, sheds and storage units that can be full of stuff no longer being used.
And I can tell you, that in the end, you will not take anything material with you.
Loss Aversion
One evening after my husband passed away I was sitting in my favorite “contemplation chair” thinking about the huge task ahead of me in taking care of my husband’s belongings. Then the realization hit me that not only did I need to let go of his belongings but mine as well. We had lived in this house for 25 years and although we had continually cleared out closets, sheds, and storage bins, we still had a lot of “stuff.”
I also decided to sell my home, and take a big “Leap of Faith” to move across the country. Lord have mercy, the getting rid of “stuff” became a huge reality.
I grew up with very little and I thought I had a hard time getting rid of or letting go of my “stuff” because of the money I had spent on it, or maybe, just maybe my kids would want some of what I considered keepsakes or because it held some memory of importance or someone special to me had given it to me.
While packing up to move, I made piles of what I considered keepsakes to take photos of and log into a folder labeled “Memories” on my external hard drive. The point was to then give away that pile, However, as good as my intentions were to minimize there were still a few things I would put right back into a storage container to think more about before letting go of it.
About a month ago, my son and I, had a discussion about simplifying and the difficulty of letting go of belongings, stuff, and things we really no longer needed. I told him I had decided to let go of a few more things. I have about four storage totes of various things I thought I should keep as I might use them in my new surroundings, however, I had not even opened them since I put them in my closet. I just couldn’t for the life of me figure out why letting go of things I no longer need or use always seemed so difficult. He brought up the subject that perhaps it is due more to “Loss Aversion” than emotional attachment.
“Loss Aversion,” what ????….. I had never heard of it!
I dove right into researching this interesting possibility and possible excuse for not letting go of my stuff and things and of learning another reason we have so much difficulty simplifying our lives. Much to my relief, we not only have emotional attachments to our stuff and things but we also can have a very strong aversion to what we consider a loss.
I invite you to check out the links below and to further research to find other links to help give yourself permission to simplify your life and let go of those things that are cluttering or stacking up unused.
5 Common Mental Errors That Sway You From Making Good Decisions by James Clear
Loss Aversion-Why do we hang on to things for no reason? from Psychology Today
Take care of yourself and stay safe.
And if you have a mind to get more simplified in your living, no better time than during this virus crisis.
Your turn: Tell me what you’ve been letting go of these, and how you feel about it! Leave a comment below, or visit me on Facebook.
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
Reframing Chores:
What does the Word Chore mean to You?
What do you think of when you hear the word “Chore”?
For me, “Chore” or “Chores” means Work. Work that has to be done in order to live a fairly normal, clean, and organized life. The thought of doing “Chores,” conjures up a feeling of drudgery, a feeling of “I want to do something fun instead of that list of Chores.” Of course, there are those who will say; “Yes, you have chores and you need to be glad you do, it means you have a roof over your head,” and this is absolutely true… I am grateful I have a roof over my head, however, taking care of it does not have to be chore-based.
What I hear quite a bit from my clients and friends is:
“It’s been a busy week at work… or there has been a lot of stress this week,” but I have so many “Chores” to do,
I have to spend the weekend getting caught up with my “Chores” instead of going camping, or going out with my friends, and heaven forbid spend a day shopping and having lunch out with a friend”
Have you said any of these or something similar?
From the age of 6 until I left home at 18, I had a list of “Chores” …. Ugh…. My chores consisted of cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, ironing, (yes, back when I was a kid, we ironed once a week all iron-able clothing), and watching my siblings.
We had our daily chores, our weekend chores, our monthly chores, and finally, our seasonal chores.
Little did I know that when I got married, not only did my chores increase but so did the responsibility of making that Chore list. I was already trained in doing all household chores and a few yard chores, so it wasn’t a big leap. However, I did notice that while I had “Chores, ” my husband had a “Honey-Do List.”
What!!!!!!
I asked my husband why he got to have a “Honey-Do List,” and I had a “Chore List” to which he replied, with humor, that since he was considered The Honey, it meant that if Honey did not want to do what was on his list, he did not have to… or at the very least he could perform the items on his Honey-Do list as he wanted to ….. While we had a laugh about his description of a “Honey-Do List,” he quickly added that he would gladly help me with my “Chore List” if I was overwhelmed at all. So, I immediately handed him my list and said “Thank you, Honey, then I picked up a book and sat down in my favorite chair. All he said was “Really?” LOL
The subject came up recently about everyone in our home having chores that they are expected to do. The word “Chore” kept coming into my thought processes, so once again, I decided to research the word and its precise meaning. And sure enough, according to several dictionaries, the word “Chore” means exactly what I felt it meant — “Work, Unpleasant tasks, Disagreeable task.” (see below a couple of the definitions)
Definitions of Chore
Dictionary.com
a small or odd job; routine task.
chores, the everyday work around a house or farm.
a hard or unpleasant task:
Solving the problem was quite a chore.
Merriam-Webster
chores plural : the regular or daily light work of a household or farm
a routine task or job
The children were each assigned household chores.
a difficult or disagreeable task
doing taxes can be a real chore
Choose the Right Synonym for chore
TASK, DUTY, JOB, CHORE, STINT, ASSIGNMENT mean a piece of work to be done. TASK implies work imposed by a person in authority or an employer or by circumstance. Charged with a variety of tasks
Cambridge Dictionary
a job or piece of work that is often boring or unpleasant but needs to be done regularly:
I’ll go shopping when I’ve done my chores (= done the jobs in or around the house).
I find writing reports a real chore (= very boring).
His work is a chore to be suffered and is hard to come to terms with.
From the Cambridge English Corpus
This is why I have decided to change the word “Chore” for my list of things I need to do to keep a tidy, clean, and welcoming atmosphere at my home. Does it really make a difference? Probably not for many, but to me, at my stage in life, I want to have more fun therefore, my “Chore List” needs to become more positive and fun. I play music, dance with my vacuum cleaner and mop, toss my clothes into the washer like I am making baskets and “Rumba” my way around making the bed.
I was thinking all “Chore” lists should just be called “Honey-Do” projects. Or “Home Projects,” I always feel accomplished when I say I have completed many “Projects”. LOL
Giving household responsibilities (mostly known as “Chores”), to children does teach them to be responsible for living within a family society and to know how to survive fairly well on their own. Therefore, I do support everyone in the family having their own “Home Projects” they are responsible for.
In our household we all pitch in, everyone cleans and vacuums their own bedrooms, we each put our dishes into the dishwasher or wash them, dry them, and puts them away, we take turns vacuuming the bigger areas and bathrooms. Weekends are free for play. For the bigger “Projects” we turn up the music and all help. We live a “One for all and All for One” lifestyle. It works for us and provides us the freedom to do the things we really love doing.
More Reading on Chores
In my research, I came across a couple of Household “Chore Lists” that may be very helpful. Whether you rename your lists of responsibilities or not, it all works out to a positive ending if everyone chips in and helps, freeing up the weekends for play, for the whole family.
The Ultimate household chore list.
All of the Household Chores You Should Be Doing Every Day : Home maintenance needs a plan of action to create a peaceful and relaxing atmosphere. Use this list of daily household chores to develop your game plan.
Check out these age-appropriate chore lists from The Spruce for ideas for every age in your house.
So, my friends, whatever you call your list of “things that need to get done” make it fun. We only get one chance to make this trip through life meaningful and I, for one, do not want to realize in the end that I spent more life minutes doing “Chores,” than living life.
Hugs
by Carolyn | Ask Carolyn
The Magic of Research… Maybe this “New Math” isn’t so scary after all?
I was watching a televised music concert and in between songs the lead singer was sharing about being home much more and taking on the homeschooling process due to the “virus crisis.” One of the issues he spoke on was about the “New Math.” His comments caught my interest as I have had several clients share their frustrations about trying to help their students with math and I have had my own experience with the “New Math.”
Now, this “New Math” seems to be a consistent source of trepidation for many parents and grandparents. A couple of years ago, I was helping my Grands with their homework and to my dismay, I was unable to help them with their math. Keep in mind, I could solve the math equations, just not the way they were being taught to solve them. I had never been exposed to this “New Math” before, as my Son was out of school and in the military before it hit the schools.
I decided it is time for me to do my own research into the “What, Why, When, Where, How and the Who” of “Common Core Math.” I was already researching for tips on “Notetaking and Effective ways to Study,” for today’s students and how best we, parents and grandparents, can help. Especially when fall classes begin.
Interesting piece I found on this “New Math,” from The Conversation: The Common Core is today’s New Math – which is actually a good thing
And The Understood Team offers 9 “New Math” Problems and Methods
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Tips for Homeschooling or Distance Learning
One important warning about homeschooling I found in my research is, do not go out and buy or order some big homeschool package you may not even need. In the case of studying, the rule of “Too much is too much” does pertain.
With summer break beginning soon, this is a good time to get prepared and find new ways of taking notes, studying and to learn more about this “New Math” to ease possible frustrations with helping our students.
Here are a few suggestions from homeschool sites that may be of interest:
1. The First and most important priority is to know what your child’s learning style is!
Not knowing how your child learns and retains information, especially math,
Does NOT make you a bad parent!!! Please do not allow ego to keep you from
Finding out what style of learning allows your child to excel at his or her studies especially taking tests. I have shared a link below on this subject.
And please do not say to your child….”Why don’t you know this?” “You had this last year!” Or …. “How many times do we have to go over this?”
The answer is: as many times as, it takes for them to “get” it. As many times as needed for the child to connect with the information. We are always looking for the proverbial “Ah-Hah” moments in life and homework for students should be one “Ah-Hah” moment after another.
2. It is helpful to have a designated space for your child to do their studies.
3. Set specific goals for them to achieve for each subject.
4. Get a planner and make a home school schedule, one your student can put a checkmark on for the goals they have accomplished..
5. Set a timer for them to work alone, and when the timer goes off, they know they are to check in with you, or you will check in with them to see how they are doing.
6. Make use of a whiteboard for visual help in solving a math problem. Writing out formulas for math will also help your student feel like they are being taught and have your full attention.
7. Make a designated time for this interaction just as you do if you have a meeting at your workplace.
These tips alone will help diminish frustrations on both sides and keep interruptions to a minimum.
It is also important that your student be given breaks that include snacks and a little exercise. Just like school, they get two breaks and recess.
It has also been found that most students work better when there is some form of a schedule to follow and knowing what the expectations are for the tasks at hand. It may be helpful for your student to make use of YouTube tutorials. I know that since I am a visual learner that watching a how-to video is easier for me to “get it” than reading a manual.
One of the most exciting things I have learned, because I love music so much and have seen how it can be used as a successful treatment in areas of mental health, is how music can help some students be more effective in their studying. I find background music is very helpful for my concentration. There are studies done on types of music that help in all forms of studies.
Check out study music on YouTube. Use the terms “Study Music for Kids,” “Study Music for Teens,” and “Study Music for Adults” to find more music.
Below are a couple sites I found useful for notetaking and studying:
Academic Reading and Notetaking. (I certainly did not know this little tidbit about successfully reading an academic chapter)
A few tips I learned from this website:
- Look through the chapter
- Look at the headings and subheadings
- Look at the pictures and captions, charts, or graphs.
- Read any bold or italicized words and look up those you do not understand
- Go to the back of the chapter and read the summary, review questions, and notes. (these are generally the essential facts to learn in the chapter)
- Then read the chapter. You will find you are more aware of what you need to learn from the chapter.
The best notetaking apps of 2020
https://zapier.com/blog/best-note-taking-apps/
How to take notes on a computer like a pro
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njstk6xlrh0
The Best Notetaking Methods
For college students & serious note-takers
https://medium.goodnotes.com/the-best-note-taking-methods-for-college-students-451f412e264e
HOW TO TAKE STUDY NOTES: 5 EFFECTIVE NOTE TAKING METHODS
https://www.oxfordlearning.com/5-effective-note-taking-methods/
My research Concerning the Struggles with Today’s “New Math.”
The struggle is real and, not because parents do not have experience with math, but primarily because they do not know “The New Math.”
I do understand that this New Math is much more of an intricate, in-depth, and involved way to solve a math problem, however, I have also learned that other methods are supposed to be available to a child if they are really struggling with this style of math.
Once again, it is all in the approach. If something does not make sense, take the time to research it, and if it still isn’t making sense, find someone who can help explain it in a way it does make sense or take a different direction to come to the right solution. As the new saying goes…. “There is more than one way to grow a garden.”
In my experience: ……. if someone has been provided detailed information on how to perform a task, they can generally accomplish the task with success and less stress.
There are many helpful math notetaking ideas available. I also found the following tidbit for taking math notes concerning formulas:
- Get a notebook designated for Math only.
- Write the name of the book, the chapter, and the page number for each formula.
- Write down the name of the formula and the formula itself.
- Underneath that, write out the example given for that formula.
- Underneath that, write your math problem you now need to solve using the formula.
These steps can become your reference and guide for future math problems and taking your tests.
Here is a link I found that may be of interest to anyone wanting a refresher course, from Mr. Barton Maths.
I encourage everyone who is frustrated with their children’s new math to take the time to research the style of math they are doing. I found more “How To” math videos than I ever expected.
It is essential to fully understand “HOW” your student learns best and make sure they get the detailed help that fits their learning style and will help them be successful.
Find out if they are Analytical thinkers, Creative thinkers, Abstract thinkers, and so on. This article from MindValley describes 7 common types of thinking, and how to identify them in yourself or your child.
This “Stay in Place” scenario gives us plenty of time to ensure we are making educated decisions about what our children are experiencing and how best to help them…… Please… I encourage you to find the answers that work for you and your student. If you need support, come follow me on Facebook.
Hugs to all and happy successful studying! <3 <3 <3
