With Thanksgiving and the holiday season approaching, we want to take special care to attend to grief and those that are grieving. For some, this will be the first holiday without a loved one. For others, it may not be a recent loss, but the reminders that a loved one is missing from the table becomes especially apparent when the family is gathered to celebrate. Be gentle with yourself, and to each other this Thanksgiving, and remember: COMMUNICATE!
Dear Carolyn,
With Thanksgiving coming up, how do we get through our family gathering and dinner after losing a Loved One just a couple of months ago?
Sincerely,
Grieving at The Thanksgiving Table
Dear Grieving,
This is a question that comes up every year at this time. It is tough to answer because of all of the different emotions, beliefs, and traditions involved.
It is important to recognize that everyone who loses a loved one has their own ways of experiencing their grief. No two people grieve the same.
I think the most important element in answering this inquiry is communication!
We certainly want everyone to be comfortable at our dinners, and it is important that no one feels like they need to walk on eggshells around another guest.
Communication with the ones who have lost their loved one and communication with those attending the dinner, where someone who is grieving will also be attending, is crucial for your dinner to be comfortable for everyone.
I have chosen a website below that has given several excellent suggestions to consider. However, allow me to ask a few questions of my own.
Are you the one grieving a loss? What are your feelings, beliefs, and preferences about remembering a deceased loved one at holiday celebrations?
When you are having the holiday dinner at your home, because it is your family tradition, and you are the one in grief, have you let those who will be your guests know what will and will not make you comfortable?
If you are having the holiday dinners at your home and have a grieving family member or friend attending, have you asked the grieving person how they would be comfortable remembering their loved one?
What has been done in the past at your family holiday dinners to recognize loved ones who have passed on?
Are you comfortable talking about your loved one, or are your emotions still too close to the surface? It is important to communicate this to the hostess and host. If you are hosting the gathering, tell a few key people who can help others know you are still unable to talk about your loss.
Emotions may still be too close to the surface and talking to your family or friends about what you would like to do or what you would like to have done to remember your loved one is too difficult and would bring on a veritable waterfall of tears, then talk to someone who is ok with those tears.
They can help you articulate your wishes and then allow them to let the hostess or host know so they can prepare their guests.
There are so many ways to let others know how we are doing and where we are in our state of grieving. Those grieving must keep the communication channels open, especially for those who haven’t a clue what to say or ask.
Remember that while grief is forever, as time goes by, we will have more times in control than at other times. You can also send your preferences in an email, text, or note card.
The important thing here is to not put others in an awkward position of not knowing how to relate to a grieving host/hostess or guest.
When you are the one who lost a spouse, child, parent, grandparent, or any close family member or friend, it is ok to let those attending your gathering know that you will have moments where your emotions may get the best of you.
This will also relieve those in attendance from walking on eggshells, trying not to do or say anything that could upset you. Let them know that you will regain your emotions and get through.
Many have asked what I did for our family’s first Thanksgiving after my husband passed away. Since I was still going to host the dinner as always, I told everyone that each person had a say concerning our Thanksgiving dinner and how they would like to honor my husband/their Dad/their Papa.
We agreed to have our traditional Thanksgiving dinner. We were not ready to make any big changes. We made all our favorite dishes, including my husband’s favorite dressing.
Our traditional art/card for being grateful was also included, and we each wrote that we were grateful for his life and the time he had with us and that we missed him. And yes, there were tears, but we knew they would come, so we were ok with them falling as needed.
We moved before the second set of holidays came and decided that if we were going to be in a completely different place and home, we would also change up our thanksgiving celebration. We left Alaska and moved to New Hampshire. Making new fall experiences was much easier with all that the New England states offer.
I still make my husband’s favorite dressing for our Thanksgiving dinner requested by my adult children and granddaughters. I will probably continue to make it until I accept my wings and make my way up to the great universe. And at that time, I will expect the traditions will make another change, as they should.
Here’s a round-up of posts from What’s Your Grief (an excellent resource for those grieving) for helping yourself, family, extended family, and friends who are grieving to be more comfortable during the holiday dinners.
16 Ideas for Creating New Holiday Tradition After a Death
New Perspective on Old Traditions: Grief and the Holidays
Remembering Loved Ones During the Holidays: 19 Practical Suggestions
Surviving Thanksgiving: 6 Tips for Grievers
Wishing you a health, safe and joyous holiday,
Carolyn
Have a question or dilemma for a future Ask Carolyn column? Submit it HERE!
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or mental health professional, and this is not professional advice. I speak only from my life experience and training as a coach.