Greetings, Dear Friends –
When we experience the devastating loss of a loved one, we have no idea how grief will come to us, how grief will feel, how grief will affect our thinking, our heart and our soul. We will not know if we are ok, will be ok, or if we will ever know how to get through the shock, pain and grief that ultimately comes when death takes someone we love.
One of the main reasons I wrote my book, Death Did Us Part and one of the main reasons I write a blog primarily about grief, is because very few, especially those who have gone through the loss of a loved one, will talk about the one thing that is the end result of living this life on earth….Death!
When we lose a loved one, we change, our whole world as we knew it can change, where we thought our life was going can change, what we thought we wanted from our earthly life can change and how we view death and grief can change.
When we lose a loved one, no matter how much we read, our grief is specific to us and very few will want to admit to or talk about all that they went through when they lost a loved one, what it was like or is like after everyone goes home, and they close their own door and turn around to the emptiness that ensues.
Very few will ever talk about the “Year of Firsts,” the “Secondary Losses,” the underlying stages of losses beyond the original 5 stages of loss or that the original 5 stages of loss will not and does not pertain to every loss.
Very few will know about “Grief Stacking,” or will know that for some of us, grief is stacking one upon another and another from other losses in our life. There may be losses and grieving that we have not fully moved through.
Very few will talk about the “potholes” we must maneuver to rebuild our life after a devastating loss or acknowledge that rebuilding our life will also help us work through our grief.
Very few who have gone through a devastating loss of a loved one will ever tell us that every loss is very, very different and the grief experienced is very, very different for each loss we have.
Very few will talk to us about our loss, or even mention the name of our Loved One. Sadly, most will avoid asking how we are coping or tell us that as we rebuild our life, grief will remain always and forever as part of our life. Grief and rebuilding our life are journeys we must make as a side-by-side walk for the rest of our life.
Very few will tell us how lonely grief can be. How deafening silence can be. Very few will ever talk about those “wee hours” of the morning when sleep evades us and thoughts of our loved one comes rushing in like a runaway train. Very few will tell us that when we finally get to sleep that waking up is one of the toughest times of our day as reality comes flying at us like a Mac Truck.
Very few will ever talk to us about how to overcome the feelings of guilt for having moments of laughter, fun and lightheartedness or for getting on with enjoying our life again after a devastating loss.
Very few, if anyone, will tell us that it is part of the grief experience to wonder if we did right by our loved one, did we tell them we loved them enough, did we show them we loved them enough, did we show our appreciation for them enough. No!…. no one will talk about all of those emotions because it is uncomfortable and the answers that come to them may not be the answers they want.
Very few will ever tell us how lonely we can feel when we are no longer a part of a couple and how isolating that can become.
Very few of those who have lost a Mate/Spouse/Companion/Significant Other, will ever tell us it is ok to admit that we not only miss but long for the hugs, kisses and the intimate life we had with our partner.
If we have lost a child or children, very few will tell us there will be times when we feel like we can’t breathe and we will struggle to do so. That there will be times when the tears will come and we end up sobbing uncontrollably until we are so exhausted we fall in a heap totally depleted and void of all feelings for the moment.
If we have lost a parent or grandparent, very few will tell us how many times we will go to call them to give updates to our life or ask for guidance or want to tell them about a life event.
There will be a few who will tell us they know how we feel because they went through a divorce… They do not! Divorce cannot be compared with the physical death of a loved one.
When we die, none of us has a clue what actually happens to us. This is one of the many factors about death that causes immense fear in talking about death, thinking about death, and acknowledging death. The differing belief systems have brought conflicting ideas about death and what happens when we die, though some of those beliefs do bring some comfort with them.
There will be losses that bring sadness and will bring more subtle changes to our world. Then there are losses that bring a drastic change to who we are or to our daily lives. There will be losses that can become debilitating if we go unchecked by those around us and those who care for us.
There will be losses that completely change who we were, who we are, who we were going to be and changes every aspect of our lives both daily and forever.
Death is a very fearful, uncomfortable and unexpected life event to go through and very difficult to think about, let alone talk about.
However, for me, after losing so many loved ones and experiencing the harsh lessons that I have had to learn, especially for not knowing that grief has very specific differences for each loss we endure, I want those close to me to know that I want them to rebuild quickly and live every aspect of their life while they can, and that to do so is honoring my existence in their life.
Most couples never talk about the “What ifs” of one of them passing away before the other.
Fortunately, my husband of 46 years, and I had this very conversation about “What If.” We both said that whichever of us passed away first that we wanted the other to get on with their life right away. I used to tell our children that, if I went first, not to be upset if their father moved on quickly, as I had given him my blessings to do so. I told them, “If I go first, your father will not bring another woman to my funeral/celebration of life. However, he will have her waiting at the house for him.” Fortunately, we all knew that my husband was not one to be alone at all so they fully understood and relieved that I gave him my blessing.
My husband also said he wanted me to put my life together quickly and get married as soon as possible if he went first, as he did not want me to be alone either. We both felt that when we die we definitely were not coming back so the other better get busy rebuilding their life even while going through the grief of losing the other. We also did not want our adult children to hinder either of us from living our life to the fullest because they loved and missed the one who had passed away.
Sadly, My Husband passed away in May of 2014, and for me, my life companion for now is my writing.
I do not want to leave this earth any more than anyone else. I am not crazy about talking about death any more than the next person. However, I have watched too many stop living their life with love, laughter and joy because they thought that was what being in grief meant and, the Good Lord forbid, that others in their life would not allow them to get on and rebuild the life they have left.
For my personal peace of mind, I want my loved ones to be prepared for when I go and, to know I want them to go on with their lives and to honor me by not missing a beat in living their life to the fullest possible.
I want to leave a legacy behind, one that says I existed here on this earth and I want to leave a letter of love to all who have loved me and been my friends while I traveled through this life with which I was gifted.
And in order to leave such a legacy, I must acknowledge that life does and will end. I let that knowledge teach me and encourage me to live my life to the fullest, with Love, Laughter, Music, Fun and Play, and I know that those who have gone before me want this for me as well.
May you be Blessed with a very long and peaceful life, filled with joy.
Carolyn